How to Handle A Western Casino Chip
Due to the unnatural accumulation of filth and other harmful contaminants that are most likely present on the chip, it is best not to make contact with the chip if at all possible. However, since handling of chips may become necessary to play a table game, please consider the following advice prior to handling any chips from the Western:
1) Do not handle the chip with your bare hands. Use a pair of heavy gloves, such as those used by welders or bird-handlers. If heavy gloves are not available, it is suggested that you double-up on a light pair of gloves.
2) Use a device such as tongs to maneuver chips safely to the betting circle. Additionally, you can shield your body by placing a glass enclosure between you and the chip. If no glass enclosures are immediately available, you can use an empty cocktail glass discarded by a drunk downtowner to cover the chip. Be cautious of the glass though, since it may have been handled by others at the Western.
3) Larger denomination chips should be used as those are the least likely to be a public health hazard. At this place, even red chips can be considered large denomination. If you expect to handle any silver chips, consider wearing a flea collar to offer minimal protection.
4) Doctors, nurses, and epidemiologists should not give tips to dealers. Instead, it is recommended to leave your business card so that the dealer can obtain a medical consult for their on-the-job illnesses. This can also help you to pinpoint the epicenter of another world health crisis.
5) After a visit to the Western, it is recommended that you not visit any foreign countries. Unfortunately not all will heed this advice so I will remind you of a past consequence: A wayward Asian high-roller got lost and ended up at the Western, where he handled several chips there. Subsequently, a large outbreak of SARS was reported in several Asian countries. Local downtown folk are expected to be immune as there are no known downtown Vegas residents with SARS.
6) After handling chips, be certain to scrub your hands thoroughly. A thorough hand-cleansing can be ascertained by thoroughly scrubbing away the first layer of skin.
If you follow the steps above, you can rest assured that the threats to your personal health will be minimal. You should still consider isolating yourself from loved ones for at least three days. The U.S Government is already at work on a plan to safely dispose of old Western chips. Plans include a facility at Yucca Mountain just outside of Las Vegas. Once there, it is expected the chips will no longer present a threat to the public. Many do-gooders are still concerned that dangerous contaminants from the chips may leak into the underground water table below Yucca Mountain and are protesting construction of the site.